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It`s not stretching if it doesn`t involve crazy dinosaur noises.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I`m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Nice try butter flavored pancake syrup, but I`m still putting butter on them!!
My parents say its their house, but when its time to clean it magically becomes my house too.
If you can’t afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don’t know where you are!
If I ask my dad to take a picture of me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling "It`s the button on the left!"
I think people who challenge me at Words With Friends are most impressed with my vast knowledge of three letter words.
I bet people don’t understand that I’m joking 800% of the time.
Congratulations India on successfully orbiting a probe around Mars. I assume you`ll be opening call centers on the red planet and using fake Martian names now?
If you loose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.
You know what is cheaper than therapy? ... Admitting you`re batshit crazy and running with it.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
The way my dog acts, you`d think his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
Parenting is a lot like the bar scene: Everyone`s yelling, everything`s sticky, it`s the same music over and over again and occasionally someone pukes somewhere they
According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, “neighborhood watch” isn’t what I thought it was.