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Your baby was cute until I realized you’re on the same flight as me. Now your baby is stupid.
I tend to say “I don’t know” when I’m too lazy to think.
It’s called karma, and it’s pronounced “haha! Screw you!”
I just ended a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn`t mine.
Do you like me? Breathe for yes, lick your elbow for no.
I`m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it`s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I`m still better than you.
Scared some Jehovah`s Witnesses today by going to the door completely naked. I`m not sure what scared them more, me being totally naked or the fact that I knew where they lived.
I hope when I die, it`s early in the morning so I don`t go to work that day for no reason.
Laptop speakers, too quiet for music, too loud for porn.
Take time to reflect upon your day. Think of all the blessings you received, and everything you may be called to testify about :)))
Today is boozeday, I mean Tuesday...same difference!
If I ever get to an age where the music from the ice cream truck doesn`t make me excited, pull the plug.
Nobody looks back at their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
My IQ? ... With google or without?
Here is a thought for all you mind readers out there…