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If I had a time machine, I’d probably just use it so I wouldn’t have to throw out so many bananas.
My girlfriend said that I should use the term `make love` instead of `f*ck.` What the make love is she talking about?
Just once when they interview a serial killer’s neighbor I’d like to hear them say “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me, he was a real Weirdo”
I just burnt my tongue on my food. It made me realise that it’s the ones we love that hurt us the most.
I have many thoughts. I just can´t remember any of them.
I`ve started to make a fresh start in 2015, so if I owe you money, too bad.
Is there a 5-second Rule for when you drop babies? ...Asking for a friend. JK people!!! LOL ;)
Never make eye contact while eating a banana
My right thumb is in the best shape of my life.
I`m starting to think that Dr. Dre isn`t a real doctor after all...
Best thing to do when you`re stuck in a group text is to to throw your phone in the street and start a new life and maybe get some chipotle
You’d think my password was “yourmom” because my computer just told me it was too easy.
Hey ladies, tired of your man complaining about how long it takes you to get ready? Start blow drying your hair in the nude. I promise no more complaints.
Considering this is the land of the free, stuff is pretty damn expensive.
I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue.