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Sometimes, I drink a glass of water, just to surprise my liver!
Perfect relationships exist in thoughts, movies, and Facebook timelines.
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead, but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
Unless its inappropriately, don`t f*cking touch me.
Sometimes, when people are talking to me, I daydream about what they would do if I suddenly punched them in the face.
Facebook.. reminds me a lot of high school. Full of alcohol, drugs, jealousy, sexual frustration and a bunch of boobs I`ll never get to touch.
Cleavage is something you can look down on and approve of at the same time.
eHarmony has a 24 month plan. How ugly do you have to be to need 2 years to find someone?
This is 2016. How come I can`t email someone a fart when I feel like it?
I HATE it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. ..For the FIFTH time, I do not want to go to your cat`s birthday party. Damn it! ..My dog is getting married
You ever wonder why wearing no underwear is called “going commando”? It seems to me it wouldn’t be useful in a combat situation.
All my life I’ve wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.
When I said I like it rough I was talking about the sex, not the whole entire relationship...
Best part of living alone...clothing optional ;)
People go on and on about the length of Subway`s sandwiches but how come nobody talks about their girth?