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Society has put an unnecessary amount of effort into the advancement of yogurt.
I`m going to a wedding rehearsal this weekend. Wedding rehearsals are the only time you see someone practice making a mistake.
No matter how busy a guy is, he can always take out a moment from his busy life to just stop and stare at a beautiful girl.
I just dusted and mopped the house like 3 months ago and it’s dirty again. This is bullsh!t.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
You never realize what you have till its gone... Toilet paper is a good example.
So far today has been a pretty good day...I haven`t had to bite or hit anyone, yet!!
I`m for driverless cars, but honestly, having to drive is the only thing standing in the way of me being a complete drunk piece of sh!t 24/7
When your wife`s in labour, never sneak a look at the business end; it`s like watching your favourite pub burn down.
I’m beginning to think that for some of you, the wheels on your bus do not go round & round.
Pizza: 73% delicious, 27% also delicious.
If ignorance is bliss then there`s a crap load of people in paradise
Can`t believe people still say "pot" it`s not the 70s anymore we call it "saucepan" now
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth ... and drink all the vodka inside ... It seems to help
The best way to hang up on someone is to do it in the middle of your own sentence, that way they will just think you lost service.