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I wish I had a dollar for every time I didn`t have a dollar.
It’s hard to get a lot done when you’re busy having a snack every 15 minutes
Who`s up for some curling in my driveway?
Every day can be palm Sunday if you`re a single guy
Facebook is serious. I put more thought into whether or not to accept a friend request than whether or not to sleep with someone.
My kids are the reason I wake up every morning. Really freaking early. Every...Single...Morning...
Interviewer: Have any weaknesses? Me: Bullets I: No, I mean… M: Knives I: I don’t think y… M: probably evil dragons I: … M: Focusing.
One way to know if someone is lying to you is if their facial mole is in a different place every time you see them
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you don`t know the man & he doesn`t know you`re eating his popcorn
Noise cancelling toilets should be a thing.
If I were to quit my job today and become a psychic, I would advertise with a sign that reads, “Voted best psychic of 2016!"
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Dreams are like pictures. I don`t care about yours unless I`m in them.
Honk if you wanna see the finger
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.