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I always say, "morning." Instead of, "good morning." If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people.
Everyone has fitness goals and I’m over here like, if I burn this many calories I can eat a whole pizza.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
If someone says you used too much butter or cheese on something, stop talking to them. You don`t need that kind of negativity
Gentlemen may not be extinct, but they are definitely endangered
Roses are red, violets are blue. If I had a brick, I`d throw it at you.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Not all country music is terrible. If you can get past the lyrics about trucks, mud, farms and cows... It`s actually not too bad.
When people say, "You look familiar," i like to reply with, "Do you watch porn?"
gets drunk on one drink. The trouble is, I can´t remember if it´s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
I finally did it. I gave my cat a bath today. It really wasn`t that bad. She enjoyed it. I enjoyed it. Other than the fur sticking to the roof of my mouth, it went well.
I used to question how much information was too much information. Joined Facebook, It`s much clearer now
Going to the toilet without your phone is like going to war without a gun
This day needs more yesterday.
Today is boozeday, I mean Tuesday...same difference!