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Out of all the lies I`ve ever told, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
Are you tired of every day being the same? Congratulations, you’re an adult!
Girls are too sensitive. She said she was having twins and I said, "At least you`ll finally have 2 kids by the same father."
Facebook is serious. I put more thought into whether or not to accept a friend request than whether or not to sleep with someone.
People say that 60 is the new 40. The cop who pulled me over didn`t agree.
Facebook, Pinterest and Instagram have taught us that for every giant technological leap ahead, we will find a way to use it for dumb sh!t.
Why would I dance like nobody`s watching? People need to see this.
Lust is not real love and Tombstone is not real pizza, but both are fine when you`re drunk.
Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Other times we just snuggle.
Buying an airline ticket is like paying shipping and handling for yourself.
I can`t believe that it`s the year 2012, and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.
I swear my toddler yells at me in Vietnamese
You know there was a time in my life where I just didn`t give a f#ck.....funny how it seems that much hasn`t changed from an hour ago!!
Cocaine dealers are always trying to stick their business in other people`s noses.
I once met a guy who was addicted to huffing brake fluid. He said he could stop any time.