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I`ve polished the mirror in the bathroom so much, you can see your face in it.
My neighbor`s are going out of town for the weekend so I finally have the house to myself.
I changed the audio of my GPS to a man`s voice. Now it just says "It`s around here somewhere. Keep driving for a little while."
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out...you have issues bro
Orange Hi-C counts as a serving of fruit, right?
In an alternate universe somewhere, all the ducks are making white girl faces.
I used to think i was good at multi-tasking. Turns out its just my multiple personalities doing one task at a time.
that annoying manager who thinks they are god ... you are not ... you are a douche box
The Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, "Move to the passenger seat"
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Sometimes, when I "like" your post, it`s because my touchscreen is too sensitive and I only meant to scroll by your ass. Sometimes. ;)
Whenever you can`t think of anything to say in therapy just go with, "I`ve been thinking about killing you."
Calories? I think you mean delicious points!
How much tequila goes into mashed potatoes again?
There should be reality show where 16 congressmen are forced to take jobs in the private sector.