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"You`ve got a friend in me." - Cannibals, probably
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
I`m changing my voicemail greeting to: Please hang up and text me, thanks. ;)
I wish some people`s cardio exercise consisted of running into traffic.
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with pretty daughters do.
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the "ABCs" in my head to remember which letter comes next.
I`m at my best mathematically when I wake up before the time my alarm is set for
Love is a two way street but you have to be careful because women can’t drive.
Free snow at my house. Shovel all you want!
I bet if there were little basketball hoops above every garbage can, littering would greatly decrease.
What doesn`t kill you, makes you stronger... except for lions, lions will definitely kill you.
I was disappointed to learn that ‘landlady’ isn’t the opposite of a mermaid.
Just saw a homeless dude with a sign reading "Hungry Hungry Hobo"... I shouldn`t laugh right?
Ever notice how it`s never your successful friends posting inspirational quotes?
If you can`t tell the difference between delivery and Digiorno then you`re a f***ing idiot.