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I will do a lot of things but admitting I`m cold to my wife who told me to bring a warmer jacket isn`t one of them...
Son to mom: why should I sweep the floor? Mom to son: do you want to be an Olympic Curl champion?
The sole purpose of a child`s middle name, is so he can tell when he`s really in trouble.
I SOOOOO wanted Kim and Kayne to name their daughter Wild Wild...
I can`t wait for Taylor Swift to break up with a black guy, so she can write a rap album!
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
I`m high as a kite! Let me rephrase that: I`m stuck in a tree.
Most of my thoughts have been coming from a very dark place lately. That`s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
It was so cold today the local flasher was caught "describing" himself to women.
Keep it down kids!.. Daddy is trying to think of something stupid to say on the internet.
Those beards make the Red Sox look like they`re going to a Civil War reenactment as Confederates.
Considering this is the land of the free, stuff is pretty damn expensive.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
How many days in a row do you have to wear the same clothes until you’re legally a cartoon?
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.