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Is glad Christmas is near i sure need new coloring books and crayons ..
Why is it that everyone you hate has such a better job than you?
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I finally got some "me time" being away from the kids. Two whole hours. Would have gotten more, but my knees started getting numb from crouching behind the dryer.
It`s weird how after they couldn`t put Humpty Dumpty back together the King`s men were like "Let`s give the horses a shot at it"
If you don’t like something change it... if you can’t change it....post it on facebook, so we can "like it" and laugh..
Why do people ask “What the hell were you thinking?” Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
If you`re wondering why you`re single, date someone. You`ll remember
Think about how much more stressful life’s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
I`ll be damned if after the 5 longest minutes of my life i am going to "allow to cool in microwave for 1 minute"!
Dear Life, Please, use a Lubricant.
Kids today will never know the frustration of having to rewind their dads porn tapes to the exact same spot...
I hate it when someone turns the light on while I`m sleeping and I`m like O_-
Once again its friday I know its only been 7 days since the last one but feels like its been a week....
If someone invites you to their wedding, it`s apparently bad form to say "Sorry I can`t make it but I`ll come to your next one".