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One day when I was at the beach there was a guy in the ocean yelling, "Shark! Help!" And I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn`t going to help him.
It`s annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there`s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Why is it that the more annoying the tune, the harder it is to get it out of your head?
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me of why there is no money in there.
It`s weird how in England the passenger drives the car
If you can’t afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don’t know where you are!
That very akward moment when Shakirah`s hips lie!
Taking your pants off is a good way to let someone know you feel comfortable in their home.
I`m just a guy standing in front of a huge pile of laundry wondering how flammable it is.
Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing and they live for 150 years. Lesson learned.
He who laughs first, must be connected to wi-fi.
I knew we would be the best of friends when you said drinks are on you
You don`t need to use your words if you`re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that sh!t.