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I don`t ever need to go sky diving or bungee jumping. Leaving a pizza in the oven while I make a quick run to Walgreens is about all the adrenaline rush I can handle.
When people said they sleep like a baby, it`s because they do not have one.
When I`m home alone, every noise I hear is a serial killer
There is no such thing as bad luck, there is good luck and life!
I have many thoughts. I just can´t remember any of them.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
If anybody asks, I was on Facebook all night tonight, okay? Thanks for having my back, everyone.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Just think of how different the world would be if Noah had eaten those two chickens.
I solve all my problems by creating three new ones as distractions.
The best part of my divorce was how I woke up and I hadn`t done anything wrong
The only time I listen to a woman giving directions is when I use my GPS.
Karma means I can rest easy at night knowing all the people I treated badly had it coming.
The future is that time when you’ll wish you’d done what you aren’t doing now.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I`m not sure what it means.