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You call it being sober. I call it on my way to the liquor store.
Just saw the book "Marriage for Dummies." ... Shouldn`t there be an "is" in there somewhere?
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
One time I snuck a whole rotisserie chicken into a movie, cause candy is for amateurs.
Sitting on my hand until it gets numb so it feels like someone else is folding my laundry.
Breakfast in bed probably means you are dating someone. Dinner in bed means you`re probably single.
Sometimes its better to eliminate the problem rather than trying to solve it.
Do you remember that creepy guy who stood behind you on a train 6 years ago and was smelling your hair? Hi!
Whenever I hear that customer service calls are going to be recorded I do one of my raps because I`m too poor to pay for studio time
Ladies: if you argue with your man naked, you will win every single time.
You’re lucky that I’m so terrified of prison.
This is the only comment you should be leaving on porn sites: “Why are you doing this? Please come home. Your mother and I are heartbroken.”
I am there for you no matter what, anytime, day or night, unless there is something good on TV or I am eating pie
Arguing with people in the comments section is like crack for me. I don`t do it.
I hate waiting until I`m dead. I want to haunt people now dammit.