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The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider doing it.
Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in cages. We just want to set them free and play with them.
Tomorrow I will live in the moment, unless it`s unpleasant, in which case I will eat a cookie.
off to bed...evil schemes don`t dream themselves up.
A birth control pill a day keeps the mini-van away.
My Viagra addiction was the hardest time of my life.
People who say they sleep like a baby usually dont have one
Falling in love is just like falling down a well, except one is dank, dark and scary, and can really hurt you, and the other is a well.
When people I don’t know ask me what I do for a living I shout “Karma,” and punch them before running away.
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can´t remember the other two.
Note: the 5 second rule does not apply to soup.
What if your soulmate is over there on Twitter while you`re here on Facebook?
Hit the popcorn button on my microwave but none has appeared yet.
Birds do it. Bees do it. Heck, even fleas do it. Let`s do it! Let`s live in a homeless man`s beard!
Seeking one night stand. I might need two though, I do have a lot of books.