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The difference between “like” “love” and “in love” is the same as the difference between “for now” “for a while” and “forever”
I try to get in at least 30 minutes of talking about exercise every day.
I used to have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lived 150 miles away
Olive Garden says “When you’re here you’re family”, how could they expect me NOT to think I’m entitled to a free meal.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Sh!t Sherlock Research Institute.
Why do they call it "hiring a hitman" and not "ordering takeout"
It`s not cellulite, it`s my body`s way of saying "I`m sexy" ... in braille.
How am I supposed to get any work done with all this work I have to do?
I love when people dig their own grave. It saves me so much time.
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written “eff off forever” instead of “keep in touch” in your yearbook.
How come people who think they know everything never seem to know when to shut up?
The best revenge is to kidnap your enemy, tie him up, then pop bubble wrap in front of him and make him watch.
The best thing about the internet is knowledge. You have all this knowledge at your fingertips! And we get to share what we learn with others! Oh...wait a second. I forgot about porn. OK I take it back. PORN is the best thing about the internet!
I think I’m going to take a hot shower. It’s like a normal shower, but with me in it…
I never want to go to sleep less than I do at bed time.