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Going back to work after 12 days off is the best way to realize I should have married for money.
I`ve tried several times, but I can`t pet a cat without plotting world domination.
I wrote you this love poem: Here, just take my credit card.
Now that my kids are getting older, I`m worried I`ll never have the opportunity to leave my wife for the nanny.
I’ve never been in love but I imagine it’s similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
It`s annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there`s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks: Why don’t you eat all the food?
You`d think my neighbors could have the decency to ignore me back.
I can`t stand people who blame everyone else for their problems....I`d be successful and happy by now if it wasn`t for them!!!!
has often thought that what doesn’t kill us makes us drink stronger liquor.
Why would you be scared to get Ebola? You haven`t left your couch since 2011.
My lack of dusting will finally pay off on Halloween.
Just once I`d like to see a stripper do the "Carlton" on stage.
Make librarians cry by calling it a Book Museum while taking pictures with your iPad.
I`d like to give you a big thumb`s-up. But I`m afraid that would be the wrong finger.