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If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN
Why do they waste so much money on all the checkout lanes at Walmart, when they only have two of them open at any given time.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
It`s called PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
My girlfriend ended up with a broken nose today because she wouldn`t listen to me... I said,"You`re about to walk into a lamppost."
I’ve made some pretty bad choices in life but I have to admit, having orange juice with Oreos was the worst.
Of all the lies I tell, "I was just kidding!" is my favorite.
Nothing is more discouraging that unappreciated sarcasm.
Does anyone have like twenty thousand dollars they don’t want? Asking for myself.
You might be a REDNECK if you think S.T.O.P. means spin tires on pavement!! :)) lol
I’m not a comedian. I don’t tell jokes. I just tell the truth in a way it sounds funny.
The art of taking a self pic fast enough that no one sees you. The Stealthfie.
It’s not you. It’s my ears. They just make you sound so boring and dull.
I wish "You idiot" was an appropriate way to end a work email.
You guys make me wanna be a better alcoholic!