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99% sure my soulmate is a piece of pizza.
I went to McDonald`s to grab my boys a couple of Happy meals. The guy serving me says "Would you like a Boy Toy"? I was like, "listen hear you little sh!t, you couldn`t handle me if you tried"!! What is this world coming too... :))
Don`t you love followers that don`t acknowledge your existence. Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot” ...you`re wasting everybody’s time.
One of the major benefits of using a combined 2 in 1 shampoo/conditioner is having enough room leftover on the shower caddy for the beer.
Ever wondered why there is a stairway to heaven, and a highway to hell? There´s apparently more traffic going to hell!!
I`m always on the verge of running three miles, or drinking a bottle of Vodka
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats
Hugh Hefner dead at age 91. With the amount of Viagra that guy must have been taking, good luck closing that casket lid.
You may think it`s bad grammar but I assure you it`s just laziness.
Well, just 8 more hours of Facebook and I can go back to bed. *phew*
I may be evil, crazy, insane and f*cking naughty but I do have some good traits, I just don`t dwell on them.
Pro tip: Go the the gym on one of those 1 day free passes, take 365 selfies then post one every day.
Good mothers let you lick the beaters when they`re making a cake. Great mothers turn the mixer off first.
What do women want? The opposite of whatever they have.