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I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion, the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
I`ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn`t just put the dots in the shape of the actual letters.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look. That one is shaped like an idiot
It`s scientifically proven the more you shut up then the less likely I am to punch you in the face.
It`s unfortunate that most people will never run out of things to say.
The only 2 things that I love and enjoy about being an adult is having sex and drinking alcohol.
Euphoria....the feeling you get when you finally beat "that" level on Candy Crush.
I hate it when I think I`m buying organic vegetables and I get home to discover they`re just regular doughnuts.
Someone told me once that to have more confidence during sex, put in a live concert album while doing it. That way, you will hear applause every 3-4 minutes but I did it wrong. Accidentally put in a live concert album and all I heard was laughter!
Oh, I offended you with my opinion? You should hear the ones I kept to myself.
at this point in life I break my life down into 2 time periods B.N and A.N....Before Netflix and After Netflix
It`s not that I like watching midget porn, it`s just that my phone screen is too small to watch regular porn.
You know what the trouble about real life is? There`s no danger music.
I gave my wife my email address but she keeps on speaking directly to me.
Not a day goes by when I don`t try to use The Force.