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I’ve made some mistakes I wish I could make again.
Sarcasm: because snapping a neck is frowned upon in a court of law.
If you`re going to be a d!ck.. At least be a big one.
If I ran the country, things would be a lot better. Well…for me anyway.
Forecast for the weekend... mild alcoholism, with a 70% chance of poor decisions and impaired judgement. Increasing chance of regret and hangover for Sunday.
My favorite flavor of ice cream is yes.
Whoever said "Lets do that" in the meeting for the pop-tarts without frosting, should be fired
I can take care of my drunk friends, so the responsibility of having children doesn`t worry me.
I know she`s talking about rain but I don`t like hearing my mom say she got 6 inches
Coffee: So I can do nothing with more energy.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don`t have to share.
If you think my status updates are ridiculous you should see my life choices
Plastic surgeons are the only people that actually encourage you to pick your nose.
The problem with drinking with people from work is they`re the ones I bitch about when I`m drunk.