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If you think this status is funny someone you hate will step on a lego.
FACT: If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
If I`ve learned anything from 50 Shades of Grey, its that women still haven`t figured out you can watch porn at home... for free.
Every pizza is a personal pizza, if you try hard and believe in yourself.
Pick a woman with wits. Wits will never sag.
My favorite thing about winter...waking up from hibernation!
I stopped going to AA because all of their stories were about how they hit rock bottom by waking up next to me.
You laugh because you think it’s a joke. I laugh because you think I’m joking.
Here`s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with. -management
Absolutely is my favourite nothing to do...
What would I give the woman who has everything? Well, my phone number for a start.
I want to delete a bunch statuses, so if you guys could just message me your passwords that`d be great.
I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.
Rest area restrooms are weird. The guy in stall next to me has four feet.
I’m so glad I was young and stupid before there were camera phones.