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The meek shall inherit the earth. Probably because they`re the only ones who won`t complain about what we`ve done to it.
ah Saturday, where it`s socially acceptable to drink in the morning. ;)
You’re not an easy person to like….I like that about you.
Why doesn’t a deli slicer just have a scale on it?
buying an old Mercedes Benz so that people may think you have been rich all along
Afterism (n) - A concise, clever statement you don`t think of until too late
Someone told me once that to have more confidence during sex, put in a live concert album while doing it. That way, you will hear applause every 3-4 minutes but I did it wrong. Accidentally put in a live concert album and all I heard was laughter!
2013 is the first year since 1987 to have 4 different numbers… carry on.
Guys be like, "Lets play 21 question." Girl: Ok, what`s your favorite color? Boy: Triangle, so you a virgin?
If I ever get arrested I am going to ask for a status update instead of a phone call.
My favorite exercise is somewhere between a lunge and a crunch. It`s called lunch.
My ex-girlfriend said she broke up with me because I was childish and immature. I think it`s because she`s a big dumb stinky head that`s jealous of my awesome Transformers collection.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn`t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn`t her grandmother.
Tarantulas are like cigarettes. They are pretty much harmless, until you put them in your mouth and light them on fire.