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My goal today is to lose this hangover and earn another
Your boyfriend has long hair too. I sometimes have trouble figuring out who the girl is in the relationship.
Some people post because they need attention and validation. Not me. (Thanks for reading this, the `Like` button is below)
My little brother just told me I looked stoned as hell. Which is a little weird, considering I don`t have a little brother...
I know money talks but I wish mine had a better vocabulary instead of just ‘Spend me’.
If video games have taught me anything, it`s that you`ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss.
buying an old Mercedes Benz so that people may think you have been rich all along
I got a letter in the mail saying I was pre-approved for a Walmart Credit Card. Not sure if I should be honored or ashamed.
I wonder what its like to fart in zero gravity. Does it like...propel you forward? These are things people need to know NASA
I’m not shy, I’m just really good out figuring out who is not worth talking to.
Pro tip for picking up girls - keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
No matter what`s happening there`s always part of me that would rather be taking a nap or drinking.
I just bought a medical alert bracelet that says ... "Probably just sh!tfaced."
I like to skip when I`m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Women are like bacon: they look good, they smell good, they taste good, and they will slowly kill you