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You never know what you are missing,until you clean your room.
It was awkward when she said, "And yet your feet are so big."
Its all sh!ts and giggles until someone giggles and sh!ts
Holy sh!t! I just opened a bag of cheddar and sour cream Ruffles and one of the chips was plain. This is a sign, man. God is going to smite all of us f*ckers with his wrath and send us to all to burn in the eternal flames of... Sorry. Just one side of the chip was plain. Carry on.
I know you seen me continuously push the "close doors" button while you ran to the elevator. Now it`s just awkward
There`s no panic like trying to press "End" when you make an accidental call.
Some people want a perfect relationship. I just want a cheeseburger that looks like the ones in commercials.
You know what I hate? People who answer their own questions.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I`m pretty sure she`ll figure out that I`m just after my money
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
I`m only gonna have one beer. At a time. Until all the beer is gone.
Who says I can`t relate to today`s youth? I overheard a teenager saying he loved "riding on E" and I was like "I totally get it, gas is so damn expensive".
All of my plans for the future start out with “when I get rich”
I`ve got a lot to unlearn.
Hoping that Steve Harvey isn`t the one announcing the winning Powerball numbers tonight!