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I started to question my sanity this morning, It told me to "Shut up and chew through the straps....). I was free by noon......Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
If only my ceiling fan could hold my weight, then I would never be bored again.
I don`t know what is longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
Some of the best moments in life are the ones you can’t tell anyone about.
Went to my friends house with my girlfriend today. As we walked in I noticed her phone automatically connected to his wifi. That f*cking slut.
Dating should be like buying a car. You should get to talk to the previous owners... SHOW ME THE MANFAX!!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
I love everybody. Some I love to be around. Some I love to avoid. And some I’d love to punch them in the face.
The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows you, with the click of a few buttons, to do absolutely nothing with your life
Breaking news: Newt saw his shadow. Six more weeks of campaigning and attack ads.
omg I just found out I`m allergic to exercise...at first I get all flushed, then I break out in a sweat, my heart starts pounding really fast, then I cant breath........i wont be doing that again!
Remember, children. The best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.
I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment. I tried it once, and I nearly killed some guy on a bike.
Friending someone on Facebook and complaining about what they post is like phoning someone to tell them you don’t want to talk to them.
Porn can be so misleading. I quit my pizza delivery job after two days.