Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Welcome to Alzheimer`s Club. I see a lot of new faces today.
My neighbor`s are going out of town for the weekend so I finally have the house to myself.
In light of recent events, I have no choice but to deduct a full star from my Yelp review of Earth.
My doctor said I`m healthy enough for sexual activity ... I`m just not attractive enough.
When I`m bored, I dress up as Waldo, walk up to strangers (in a crowded airport), and say "psssst... if ANYBODY asks......YOU ain`t seen me... capiche?"
Life..it`s just an `F` in lie....
These people keep looking at me like I`m the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
All my friends are getting married and having kids or getting really good at video games.
Stress balls work best when you shove them down somebody`s throat.
Silence is Golden, unless you`re married.. Then Silence is Suspicious.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
This drag race is not at all what I expected. Are they in dresses inside of the cars, at least?
Why is it when I flush the toilet in the middle of the night, I have a feeling I woke up the entire neighbourhood?
I would like my FB friends to know that the opinions and comments I make on FB in no way reflect the actual thoughts, opinions or actions of me, or my family. Its all for fun. The only posts that I actually mean are the same ones you agree with.
Good news: I learned how to build a fire. Bad news: I need a new toaster oven.