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We`ve all been talking about your paranoia.
I`ve fallen down the stairs before. I don`t see what joy the Slinky gets out of it. That sh!t hurts.
I`m always tempted to yell "Kevin!" mid-flight.
Nothing like calling off work and watching porn all morning.
You`ve got to be twins. You`re too stupid to be one person.
The only thing worse than a male chauvinistic pig is a woman that won’t do as she is told
You`re not living life right if you don`t get just a little bit nervous every time you hear a police siren.
If at first you don`t succeed then maybe you just suck.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
May your life someday be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
I hate when people say, "I gotta get my body right for the summer." ...like, wtf are you going to do about your face???
I got a Rolex for my birthday from my lesbian friends. I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
Mac & Cheese doesn`t contain many vitamins, so it`s important you always eat a bunch of it.
Life is to short ... to waste time matching socks.
Besides being curled up on the bathroom floor convinced I was dying from liver failure for a few hours, last night was fun.