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When I die, I don`t want to go sober...
Corduroy boxing gloves deliver the best punchlines.
The best moments in life are the ones you don`t tell anyone about.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy...so I came back drunk.
Wanted: Magic hat for a snowman
I really wish Walmart had a 10 teeth or more line...
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Pro tip: Don`t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
I hate when I forget my sunglasses and get caught staring at a woman`s boobs for 20 minutes.
If a zombie apocalypse were to happen in Vegas... would it stay in Vegas?
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle? WHY!!??
Either I wrote a bunch of drunken Facebook status updates last night, or my dog has finally figured out the computer.
I`ll sell my broken watch when the time is right.
I think a clear conscience is really just memory loss