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Out of all the lies I`ve ever told, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
I hate it when I walk through a metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off.
If there`s one thing I`ve learned, it`s that I should have learned some other stuff.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the "Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down" warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
As I slid my finger slowly down her G string, I thought to myself "this is a nice guitar"
I`m going to stand outside, so if anyone asks I am outstanding.
All true wisdom is found on T-Shirts.
Sometime you have to hand it to short people ... because they can`t reach.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
When sitting directly across from someone also using a laptop, I can`t stop myself from telling them, "you sunk my battleship!"
I start every morning with a simple affirmation: I will not murder anyone today.
If you grew up wanting to be a Plumber or a Pizza delivery boy, You watched too much porn as a kid.
Daylight Saving Time rocks. It even makes laziness sound impressive. I did nothing for 24 hours? Not today. I did nothing for 25 hours!
You never outgrow sleepovers, they just become coed.