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People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow ... Just sayin
Age has its advantages. Too bad I can`t remember what they are.
I live in fear that one day the real "World`s Greatest Dad" is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
They should really be Middle-Age Mutant Business Turtles by now.
I thought she asked if I was interested in an orgy. Turns out she really said "4G." My apologies to the lady at the Verizon kiosk.
My wife keeps leaving magazines lying around with the jewelry ads circled. I got the hint. For Valentine`s Day she’s getting a magazine rack
I know she`s talking about rain but I don`t like hearing my mom say she got 6 inches
I’ll need a weekend to recover from this weekend.
All I ask for is a chance to prove money can`t make me happy.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Women are so silly sometimes, thinking men actually care if they fake it.
When I see a girl with too much makeup, I just want to use my finger to write "Wash Me" on her face.
Pizza will never tell you you`re fat unless you`re high as sh!t, then pizza is probably suggesting you fight an aardvark to lose weight.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Just bought a car with the money from my swear jar.