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I have no time for games in my relationships. Unless by games you`re referring to naked twister. I`ve always got time for that sh!t.
A pessimist thinks that all women are sluts. An optimist hopes that they are.
"It`s the little things in life that make you laugh," my mom used to say. I never understood it until I saw two midgets fighting at Walmart.
I often wondered what it`d be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while...
Sometimes I like to hold the door for people who are far away so they feel obligated to run just a little. ;)
Counting to ten when someone pisses you off works much better if you`re counting punches.
Found out today your supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at waffle house....just trying to help.
When I win the lottery, the first thing I`m going to buy is a pot to piss in. I`ve always wanted one of those.
You can tell a lot from a woman by her hands. For instance, if they`re placed around your throat she`s probably slightly upset.
“FREEZE! NOBODY MOVE!” – Mother Nature
I always dress up when I try to cook. The odds of me starting a fire are pretty high and I want to make sure I look good for the firemen.
Leaving the house on a Monday morning would be so much cooler if someone would yell "Aaaaand Action!" as I walk out the door.
Tequila is Spanish for I’m open to waking up anywhere.
I broke a mirror now I`m looking at 7 years bad luck... but my lawyer thinks he can get me off with 3
Single Awareness Day ..... it`s a S.A.D. day