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"Just be yourself" doesn`t work if you suck.
Just watched a woman in front of me walk face first into a telephone pole because she was too busy looking at her phone. I could’ve given her a heads up, but then I wouldn’t have been able to watch her walk face first into the telephone pole.
It`s not so much blowing my diet as preventing the fudgesicles from developing freezer burn.
Never judge a man ’till you’ve driven a mile with his wife.
Watching someone else play a video game is like watching someone who won`t let you join in while they`re masturbating.
have you ever been like "what`s the day today? ... no i mean the like the number".
No YouP*rn… I do not want to play poker, I’m at work for crying out loud.
If a man doesn`t drink when he`s living, how in the hell can he drink when he`s dead?
I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
I regret buying that straight jacket now. I thought it would look good on me but I just couldn`t pull it off...
Fact: No one has ever "Jumped in the shower."
Yelling "give me back my panties, you pervert" at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
The heart wants what the heart wants. *opens 12th beer*
If by "crunches" you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
I can`t figure out why everyone calls me a smart-ass. Is it because I`m smart and have a great ass?