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there is a big difference between spray tanned and looking like you rolled in nacho chesse doritos.
Why fart and waste it, when you can burp and taste it
Some of the best things in life...are mistakes.
Running feels great unless you compare it to not running
If anybody asks, I was on Facebook all night tonight, okay? Thanks for having my back, everyone.
I avoid online dating sites because they match you up with people who share your interests. I don`t want to go out with a weirdo.
I’m not a schizophrenic… At least, that’s what all the voices tell me.
I`m not saying you`re an idiot. I`m just saying that....Umm how do I word this?? I guess I am saying your`e an idiot.
For once in my life, I’d like to get up in the morning and be as excited about it as my p@nis is.
I wish I could match my dog`s excitement to go outside.
Being single is the worst sh!t ever. Being in a relationship is a close second.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn`t even value half of all his assets.
I`m not giving the kids a time out. I`m giving myself one. The thought of sitting in a corner & being ignored sounds just heavenly.
This Facebook is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Sometimes saying "F*ck it" is the best decision.