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When I say “the other day” I could mean yesterday or 5 years ago there’s no in between.
If you`re going to be a smartass, you must first be smart. Otherwise, you`re just an ass.
I had to defrost the fridge last night before bed. Or foreplay, as she calls it.
Sports commentators need to stop saying penetrate
Why do bras and batteries come in the same sizes?
Shout out to bees, willing to kill themselves just to inconvenience a hater.
Why are kids obese? Maybe because Burgers are $.99, & Salads are $4.99.
I am addicted to Cold Turkey. Not sure how I will ever quit that one.
Its around this time each year that i just enjoy going outside and seeing my christmas lights already set up from the year before.
Engineers: "okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it"
Pro tip: Do not make snow angels in a dog park.
It takes patience to listen, it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
Government Shutdown: Day Three Jellystone Park still closed. Still no pic-a-nic baskets. Yogi stares at Boo-Boo... Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Dear God, I´ve been very good today, no grumpy thoughts, no swearing and I haven´t been mean at all, but I´m about to get up now and I may need your help :)
While wearing a bikini you show 90% of your body -But men are so polite, that they stare only at the covered places.