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I consider anything that doesn`t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Went to the virgin islands, now they are just the islands.
It’s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
Me: Where can I find the milk? Her: Sir, this is a library. Me: *whispers* Sorry, where can I find the milk?
Why is it called cat nip and not meowjuana?
Sorry for whatever I said when I was hungry.
The nice thing about being single is when you`re setting the silverware, it doesn`t matter which side you put the remote on.
There’s nothing worse than getting $0.99 back in change.
What do you mean I should be more productive? Do you think this cocktail made itself?
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job there.
Tried to explain Twitter to my 80 year old Mother, pretty sure she is now insane.
At any given time my wallet is worth more than its contents.
How dumb is that family if Mrs. Doubtfire can fool them a second time?
For the past 3 years I have been planning to write an article on Procrastination!!!
Everyone wants their kid to learn to walk until exactly 30 seconds after their kid learns to walk.