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My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.
Basketball would be a lot more exciting if each team was allowed one bear.
I`m sorry but, I could not hear you over the sound of my internal hope that you would shut the f*ck up.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Excuse me but which level of Hell is this?
Nothing says you are ugly like Facebook asking ``Are you sure you want to make this your profile picture?``
Find someone who is honest, laughs when you make fun of them, and then give each other orgasms.
I`d bite my nails less if there wasn`t always chocolate frosting under them.
Damn, it`s like these people have never seen anyone bring a flask to the gym before.
You ever read a status, and you`re like, `what a f*ck up` and then you realize you`re on your own page?
It feels like one of them days..... ya know? When you wanna fart and blame the other person for it!
Our neighbor said he wouldn`t mind me stealing their newspaper if I would at least put a robe on first.
Depression is wanting to lay down and realizing that you are already laying down.
If I had spoken to my parents the way some children do now, I would not be here to share this status.
Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn`t `funny` and is technically `wasting` police time