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I`m trying to save up enough money to one day afford to save up money.
A good lawyer knows the law. An excellent one knows the judge.
Valentines Day is the only day of the year that the guy with the smallest package gets the girl.
The only thing wrong with eary mornings is being awake.
There`s no life problem that a good "F*ck this shit" can`t solve.
“Are you completely sure this isn’t textable?” -the perfect voicemail prompt.
I have no problem giving credit when credit is due. But giving payment when payment is due is an entirely different thing.
Thank you for informing me that you have a stick figure family of 6 and a dog. Your minivan had me under the impression that you were wild and single.
You know you`re getting old when cops make you feel safe instead of nervous.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy, if you put it in your stomach first.
I just ate Pasta and Anti-Pasta, but they annihilated each other, now I am hungry again.......
You`d think my password was "yourmom" because the computer said it was too easy.
My wife just bought a $50 bottle of shampoo. So guys, party at my house this weekend because apparently we won the Lottery!!!
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I`d go on a road trip with my mom.
I wouldn`t say I`m a stalker so much as I am a covert observation enthusiast.