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My neighbors complained about all the loud sex they are hearing from my house. So now I have to buy some headphones for my computer.
If you bend over and place your ear next to a girls vagina , you can clearly hear her say "WTF are you Doing!"
That awkward moment when you run into someone and there`s no where to hide
If your dog weighs less than 10lbs, it`s technically a cat
Taking a nap is so risky. Like, when will I wake up? 30 minutes from now? 2 hours? 12 years? No one can be sure.
At first it was "Okay" and then "ok" and now "k" and soon it will disappear and you`ll all regret it
I only accept apologies in cash.
How much do those guys who yell in the back of rap songs make? I could totally do that.
When you buy Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, it`s like you are paying for all the free candy you got when you were a kid.
LSD makes users lose weight` That makes sense, it`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.
Tip for Sunday Church: Don`t forget to keep your phones on silent, especially if your ringtone is `I like big butts and I do not lie!`
Isn`t it weird when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected.
I don`t have a drinking problem. If anything, I`m TOO good at it.
I never used to mind my wife hitting me in the face as she climaxed until I found out she was faking it.
Arguing in sign language must be a workout.