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This Polo shirt as two buttoning options: Uptight Golf prick or disco chest hairs.
I take a large amount of pride in always being prepared for a nap.
We`re all just nudists in disguise.
When you`re out & your cell battery is low: 1) lower screen brightness 2) turn off WiFi 3) crawl under table 4) weep softly til help arrives
Handle every stressful situation like a Dog.....Pee on it and walk away.
If you can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day with someone you love, celebrate it with alcohol and pizza.
I got passed by a Prius on the Interstate and now I’m legally required to pee sitting down.
Stages of Drunk: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don`t wake up the cows.
Today, I did it hard, I did it loud, it was wet, and I did it four times in a row. I wish I wasn’t talking about sneezing.
It’s what’s on the inside that counts, unless you’re talking about one of those hollow chocolate bunnies.
This cashier looked at my 12 bottles of weed spray so weirdly, I suspect she`s never broken a lawnmower before.
My life is a constant battle of preventing my muffin top from becoming a pound cake.
I`ve just seen an advert in my local newspaper. ACCOUNTANT NEEDED! $35,000 - $40,000 So I called them up and said, "The answer is -$5,000."
Hey, sorry I`m late ... I didn`t want to come
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides.