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I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
I wish I could feel as happy as an adult, as I felt as a kid when the teacher wheeled in the TV during class
Didn`t ya`ll know awkward moments existed before? Damn, its like the Yolocaust all over again...
The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you
So, I hear Colorado`s population has increased 420%.
Shout out to old people for graduating high school without Google.
I wonder if there are birds that prefer not to sing in the morning and that just roll around in their nests until noon.
Those who tell you not to run with scissors are just trying to steal your scissors. Run.
Nothing stops a yawn faster than a dog trying to lick inside your mouth.
After 6 years, is it still all Bush`s fault or has it been reduced to "Unfortunate circumstances under no one`s control"?..............
When life throws you curveballs, swing at those motherf*ckers like Stevie Wonder with a lightsaber.
Is food porn star a thing yet??
Today I have been sober for 100 days. Not, like, in a row or anything. Just in total.
I`m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest any of you in despair and disappointment?
It takes me like three days to wake up in the morning.