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Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year, and then discover once a year is way too often.
I live for two reasons. 1) I was born. 2) I haven`t died yet.
I followed my heart...Now I`m at the liquor store.
I`m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone "I`m ok, I`m ok"
The police never think its as funny as you do.
You know that tingly feeling you get when you have a crush on someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.
I`m not mental, other wise the rubber duckies would have told me by now...
Being an adult is mostly being exhausted, wishing you hadn`t made plans, and wondering how you hurt your back.
If being lazy paid, damn dude I must be a billionaire.
I know u r but what am I ?
As I got older my six-pack turn into a keg.
This coworker is about to find out walking around smiling on a Monday always leads to workplace accidents.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Home is where the pants aren’t.
I just had Déjà vu...and you were an asshole both times.