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BEST PICK UP LINE: You would probably sleep better tonight if we had sex.
I´m the kind of person that when my feet hit the ground each morning the devil says, "OH CRAP, HE´S UP"!
It must be annoying for nudists when they have to clean their glasses
My 6yo`s homework today is learning how to count backwards. Yep, that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Some people have to learn lessons the hard way. Like with a bat. A bat is hard.
When life gives you melons, wear a low cut top.
I may be delusional but at least I`m going to Mars in November.
I love sleep ... it’s like a Time Machine to Breakfast.
I’d drink a lot less alcohol if a lot less alcohol got me drunk.
An ex asking to stay friends after you break up is like a kidnapper asking to stay in touch after they let you go.
Ladies first. Because it might be dangerous.
I`m sorry, we can`t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
I`m confused by this "It`s 5 o`clock somewhere" statement. Bars open at 11. Idiots.
You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.
Walmart has their new Savings Catcher app... I`m thinking savings isn`t the only thing you will catch ...