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What a rip-off. I picked up a book called 101 Mating Positions. It turned out to be a book on chess.
Can you imagine the reactions 25 years ago if you showed someone a photo album of pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?
I`m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I`ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Just once I wanna see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f**k..."
I’m not going bald. I’m getting more head.
Sorry for whatever I said when I was hungry.
I`m not sure who`s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands.
The trick is not let anyone know how really weird you are until it’s too late to back out.
"Better to be pissed off than pissed on!" Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I`m not angry or covered in piss.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn`t eat.
I love Costco. You don`t go there thinking you`re gonna buy a 12-pack of watermelons but you`ll probably leave with one.
Being in hot water isn`t so bad if you throw in some bubbles and a glass of champagne.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Every store should have one line for people who have their sh!t together.