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eBay sellers - just because you`ve dug your suit/dress out of the back of your wardrobe doesn`t make it vintage. #JustOldAndSmelly
If you make something easier for yourself they call you lazy. If you make something easier for everyone else they call you a genius.
The hardest thing about looking for work is the sobriety.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
I always see more people walking into Sam`s Club than out of Sam`s Club, but the meat`s cheap, so I don`t ask questions.
It`s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you`ve reached your destination.
If you don’t like being tailgated then don’t play movies I like.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I`m not saying your house is haunted, but I think a ghost just ate all of your Gummy Bears while you were in the bathroom.
Job interview `What is your biggest weakness?` `Honesty` `I don`t think honesty is a weakness` `I don`t give a flying *#(@ what you think!`
Every day is St. Patrick`s Day when you`re a drunk who likes to pinch people.
Google maps should have a “Scenic!” route option for when we’re not in a hurry and just want to enjoy the ride.
I only have one word for women who look at me like I’m some kind of sex object ... Hi.
If A-B-C-D didn`t drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn`t have to be so rushed.