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I took a sexual harassment course yesterday...I think I`m going to be pretty good at it.
Please say a prayer for my coworker. His life is so boring that he just Instagrammed his Jimmy Johns sandwich
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
4 out of 5 dentists agree that 1 out of 5 dentists is just doing it for the attention.
He was like, `We`re all slowly dying` So I was like, `WRONG` and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
It`s almost Valentines Day and I still don`t know what to get myself yet.
Same sex marriage? Heck, I know couples who would be happy with a SOME sex marriage
You haven`t really made it until people start using your name as a verb.
I’ve already decided, if I ever go to The Price Is Right, I’m gonna “come on down” whether they call my name or not.
No matter what you do on the computer you always end up on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or Youtube.
....so then I said, "What gives YOU the right to judge ME?" And then he gets all, "Order in the court!" and starts pounding his gavel down...
A man is as faithful as his options
Putting on deoderant and colonge because you haven`t showered in days, is as about as useful as shutting the lid on a toilet after its overflowing.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed a bottle of food coloring. The doctor says I`m OK, but I feel like I`ve dyed a little inside.
I`m glad the Eclipse is over so I can go back to staring directly into the sun.