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liked homework better when it was called coloring.
At this point in my life the only reason I want to be rich is to hire somebody to clean my house.
In paintball, you should be allowed to use a paintbrush as a knife.
Much of my life is a contest to see which of the voices in my head can say the funniest stuff.
I like telling people to "grow up" because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say "Took my advice I see"
Making fun of someone you`re angry with is childish. Be an adult and hit them with your car, instead
Screaming out "BOOM PREGNANT!" during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
My mother always used to think that my friends were bad influences. ..I wonder if she`s figured out yet that I was the one coming up with all the ideas? ;)
I should be asleep, but there are a lot of things I should be.
In an effort to explain marriage to my son I put Dora the Explorer on in Spanish and told him to figure it out or he sleeps on the couch.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
You think you love your family but suddenly there`s three of you and one remaining slice of pizza.
As you get closer and closer to the end of this status, I think it`s important that you lower your expectations.
I`m having an out of money experience.
i made a chicken salad the other day. little bastard didn`t even eat it.