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Lets face it we have all tried to get something done before the microwave timer goes off.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Why can`t I get service in my own home, but the god damn Taliban can upload videos from a cave in Afghanistan!?
If you want your wife or girlfriend to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
You really understand how drunk you are when you`re peeing...
After visiting the gov`t healthcare site, I don`t know why I was so worried about their ability to spy on me...
How come "you`re a peach" is a complement but "you`re bananas" is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?
I`m getting worried about this Ebola virus. I mean, I`ve got Norton but...
My door bell is a recording of a shotgun being racked.
I liked your facebook update, only so I can unlike it.
Just bent over to pick up a beer that rolled out of the fridge and realized yoga is exhausting
I hate getting paid and being broke all in the same day!! :(
Pool is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people.
A sheep spends it`s entire life fearing the wolf only to be eaten by the Shepherd.