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How do blind people know when to stop wiping their asses
I`ve fallen down the stairs before. I don`t see what joy the Slinky gets out of it. That sh!t hurts.
No one asks the tough questions, like why are drug dealers on the metric system?
Teens are always full of energy until someone says the words "clean up".
I will have you know I have FRIENDS! All 10 seasons.
Apparently, 4 people die every year trying to put their pants on... - me, explaining to my (ex)boss why I went in with no pants
I need a leaf blower, but for people.
Sorry I said "What is it?" when you showed me your baby.
You always remember your first Crush. Mine was Orange.
I’ve got about as much self control as two rabbits on a first date!
The Teen Choice Awards air last tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren`t allowed to vote.
my neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning , can you believe that 2:30am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums...
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
I put on real clothes today. What more do you want from me?
Today we salute Vodka~ruining family reunions and supporting hilarious `hold my drink` moments for 50 years...