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I’m the kind of guy who dreams about naps while I’m asleep.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
facebook cuz am too old to have imaginery friends
Decided to make a life altering decision today.... When I think of it I`ll let you know
dear journal..im now the coolest kid in school....mom:SWEETIE THE CHESSCLUB IS HERE 4 U!!!
I wish some people`s cardio exercise consisted of running into traffic.
This by far is your most f*ck up idea ever ... I`ll be there in 10 minutes.
Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they’re going to put you in one.
Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I`m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
My version of flirting is looking at someone attractive multiple times while hoping they are more brave than I am.
"If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun" ~ My son apparently
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don`t have to share.
When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $4.95 a minute.
HR have advised that I’m not allowed to ask my chubby co-workers if they ate my missing stapler.
Today we salute Vodka~ruining family reunions and supporting hilarious `hold my drink` moments for 50 years...