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Sorry that offended you, I really didn’t think you’d get it.
When someone ask me... How are you?... I answer back... You mean in bed?
Love is a two way street but you have to be careful because women can’t drive.
I`m not saying that I`ve been online too long, I`m just saying that when I close my eyes I scroll through my thoughts
I am used but in good condition.
I`ve made up my mind, I`m not giving up anything for Lent, I`m no quitter...
My idea of getting lucky is having someone else do the laundry.
Holidays are a lot of fun until you realize you`ve been dating the ugly sister
A high school diploma takes you 12 years to get, 2 minutes to frame and a lifetime to forget where you put it.
At this stage of my life, "Good in Bed" means not snoring or stealing the covers.
If you have just started playing flappy bird I would like to warn you there is nothing up ahead but more dangling pipes and disappointment
If you pour two beers into one glass, it becomes just one beer.
I run a non-profit company. It`s not for a good cause or anything, I`m just not very good at business.
Just saw a homeless dude with a sign reading "Hungry Hungry Hobo"... I shouldn`t laugh right?
Shoplifting is just undocumented shopping.