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I just want someone who will love me for the a$$hole that I am ;)
I’m sorry I’m late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering what the f**k he was protecting his eyes from.
people live & people die, but in the the end we still get high.. so if in life you dont succeed, F*CK it All & smoke some WEED ?
During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me? Just the other night she called me from some hotel.
If you play my workday backwards, it’s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.
I just sprayed Citrus Fabreeze in my bathroom... Now it smells like Sh*trus
As an adult, I’m not eating nearly as much ice cream as 10 year old me thought I would.
Summer: Hair gets lighter. Skin gets darker. Water gets warmer. Drinks get colder. Music gets louder. Nights get longer. Life gets better.
Facebook should just change it`s name to "People You May Want to Avoid."
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Look Bruce, just because you call it the "Batcave" doesn`t change the fact that you still live in your parents basement.
Sometimes it takes me a full 8 hours to get nothing done.
I think I speak for everyone here when I say "I haven`t the slightest idea as to where my life is headed"
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It’s not like a murderer will come in thinking “I’m gonna ki..-ahhh. Damn, he’s under a blanket.”
I get butterflies in my stomach every time I eat butterflies.