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It`s not so much blowing my diet as preventing the fudgesicles from developing freezer burn.
3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
When I see people jogging outside I like to drive behind them slowly blasting Eye of the Tiger for motivation.
You can’t believe everything you hear, but you can repeat it.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words "gruesome discovery" coming from your TV on the morning news.
Just realized that 90% of Disney cartoons involve lying about your identity to get someone to love you.
I saw a girl being irresponsible texting while driving and it really ticked me off.....So I rolled down my window and threw my beer at her.
Life before the computer: Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider’s home. A virus was the flu. A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived. And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy…you just hoped nobody found out.
After a certain point, the `F` on the thermometer no longer stands for Fahrenheit.
i hate it when other people hate the person i hate!!!
People are like slinkeys; they don’t really serve a purpose, but you can’t help but laugh when one of them falls down the stairs.
awkward moment when the dentist is talking to you with his hands on your mouth
Me and the gummy bears have a plot to rule the world but shhhhh its a secret.
"Someday, your phone will cost more than your computer" - said no one ever.
A 5 year old asked me what marriage is like. So I gave him a chocolate bar and told him not to eat it.