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Mosquito (noun) - Mother Nature`s way of getting you to slap yourself.
I gotta ask you a sirius question....do you know the muffen man
Silence is Golden, except when coming from children… Then you’d better go check to see what’s broken.
Ever seen a person so disgusting you hold your breath when you walk by them? Yea I have.
Note to self: don’t set your password reminder as “you should know this”
I found a spider in my shoe. He looks ridiculous, they`re way too big for him.
Sign outside a Drug Rehab Centre: "Keep off the Grass!"
I don`t like country music, but I don`t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means `put down`.
I saw a sign at a cafe that said, "shoes must be worn." I was upset, because my shoes were brand new.
I love talking about nothing. It’s the only thing I know anything about.
Interesting fact: Prior to the creation of hummus and ranch dressing nobody ate uncooked vegetables.
My alarm clock is clearly jelouse of my amazing relationship with my bed.
I wouldn’t say your ugly, you are just beautichallenged.
There’s a police helicopter above my house right now, so I’m cashing in and calling everyone who has ever said “when pigs fly.”
My parents never asked me to run away from home, but there were many unexplained one way tickets.